A New Horizon

Today M and I start the DE journey. I am excited, scared and all emotions inbetween. I know that we are meant to be parents and this is the path we are destined to take. I am just a bit tired at the moment due to the holidays and all. We have an appointment today with the DE coordinator. So the journey begins. I hope it will result with a BFP in 2008. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

Come Sail Away With Me

Heard this song today from one of my favorite bands from my high school days and it just seem to fit how I was feeling today. I feel like my life is setting a course to a virgin sea. A journey with an unknown destination. But a journey I will continue to chart and pursue with as much enthusiasm as I have had in my life up to this point. I refuse to give in. I am too stubborn. I WILL know what it is like to have a baby in my womb. I know it in my heart. It will happen somehow.


Im sailing away, set an open course for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free, free to face the life thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain, so climb aboard
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try, oh lord, Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But well try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said
They said come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me

STYX (written by Dennis Deyoung)

THE END

Arrived at clinic this morning at 7am and waited for the embryologist. As suspected my 5 cell embryo arrested and I have nothing to transfer. This marks the end of my journey to have my own child. I always thought that donor would be okay for M and me and I am sure I will be okay with that but I could not prepare for the final word that there just would never be a biological creation with M and me. I wanted our baby. Any help from those out there doing donor and who have done donor. How do you accept that you have a baby but know that it is your spouses and some other woman's? It is hard to wrap my head around it.

Once many years ago we went into one of those photo booths where they morph both of your pictures together to show you what your baby might look like. I have always had that dream and that vision of that picture in my mind. I must now erase that and I mourn the loss of my embryo from cycle one and my embryo from this cycle. It is like a death to me. M said he had named this one Catherine. He is heartbroken she died. We had so much hope for the future..........we are so lost right now. I just don't know how to cope with all of this.

DAY 3 EMBRYO REPORT

Got my day three embyro report yesterday. It was still alive and a 5 cell. Nurse A said they like it to be a 6 to 9 cell but I will take what I can get. My transfer is scheduled for Friday at 8am. I have to be there at 7am so I will have to arrive before I get the embryologist report on if the embryo is still dividing or not. If it is I suspect it will not be a blast yet, but we will see. It is so hard to arrange our lives around all these appointments. That's the part that drives me crazy more than anything. Me and my spouse work together and I am a critical part of my husbands business and so we basically have to shut the office down when we are not there. So on top of everything else we are going through, we lose a days business and have to reschedule all of the appointments. I try to prepare as much ahead of time as possible. After IVF number one is was alot easier, because I knew more of what to expect. But of course this cycle I was on 13 days of stims, I sure did not expect that! I just hope I go in tomorrow and my little one is still alive. I want that more than anything!

And there was ONE...

Went in for ER on Sunday and all went well which was a pleasant surprise after the pain I felt last time. Got the fertilization report yesterday. Five eggs retrieved, two ICSI and only one fertilized. Just what I suspected due to the size of the follies. As I have to keep reminding myself it does only take one embryo to make a baby. I hope this is the one I need. I am hopefully optimistic. I am scared to hear my day three status. If my little emby makes it to day 5 we will again be joined. In the meantime I am catching up on many projects I need to complete before the end of the year and keeping my mind occupied.

I Don't Have All The Answers..... Help!

Well, that was not one of the most unpleasant afternoons I have spent. So, I go in for my monitoring appointment this afternoon instead of morning because Dr. C wants to see me himself. He is the clinical director and does not do the morning rotations, so for him to see me I am bending like a pretzel to make it happen! Of course, last week he informs me he will be out of town from 12/9 through 12/18 and he wanted to let me know ahead of time. Well thanks so much for that. Lets see, won't be here for the retrieval or transfer. Just Great! I guess he feels guilty so he is making the effort to at least be here for me now which he wasn't last cycle. I never saw him for any monitoring appointments IVF #1 only at the transfer. So me and M go in at 1:15pm for bloodwork and a 1:30pm ultrasound. I am in the room ready to go at 1:30 and the clock keeps ticking. At 2:00pm M goes out to check and see whats up. Nurse M informs him he is running long with a consult it shouldn't be much longer. 2:10, 2:20pm and Dr. C pops his head in real quick and says he will be with me shortly. IT HAS BEEN 1 HOUR AND I AM COLD AND TIRED!!! At 2:30 we get the show on the road and of course, my follies this time have a mind of their own. Righty has a 13, 12 and four less than 10. Lefty has 19, 14, 10 and two less than ten. Dr. C. is estimating a retrieval on Sunday, 12/9 so he thinks the 19 will be hypermature and it is questionable for the 10, so that leaves me with a possible 3 follies. Because of this information, he has asked me to consider something new they just started doing. Basically, I would do 3 to 4 retrievals back to back until he gets 10 eggs to fertilize on day 1. After each retrieval they would freeze any embies that fertilize on day 1 on day 1. He says embies do alot better being frozen at this stage. After we have "banked" at least 10 eggs, they would thaw them out and let them contiue to grow until blast and hopefully transfer any and "ALL" we have. This many would be transferred due to my age (43). I am waiting to hear the cost on doing this. As I have no insurance. At my age though the risk of just getting 3 eggs-will they all be mature? (4 out of 6 last time were not, 2 fertilized with icsi, day 3 had 5 and 7 cell, day 5 had 1 early blast and the 5 cell quit growing-transferred 1 early blast). So I am just not sure which direction to go. I have to tell him by Friday what I want to do. It is so hard to hit these brick walls with small amounts of time to decide MAJOR things. I am the sort of person that normally needs time to think about something major. Just don't know what to do...............................

From Out of The Shadows

I have been lurking reading fertility blogs for the last two months and got brave enough to start one of my own. I am currently on my second IVF and on Cycle Day 10. My current protocol is slower than my first which ended in One early blastocyst transferred with a BFN. I go in today to meet with Dr. C and the great wand of OZ. I am anxious to see how things are progressing. Two days ago on Cycle day 8 we had 3 follies less than 10 on the right and on the left a 14 and 3 follies less than 10. I am worried the 14 might be a runaway train. Any thoughts on this? Just so worried about todays visit and what we might see. Keep me in your prayers.