WAITING IS DIFFICULT

Just cannot believe that waiting on the ultrasound day (10/28/09) is the most difficult thing I have done so far.  I started spotting a little bit about 4 days ago.  Just the smallest amount of brown when i wipe.  Of course I know that is normal and nothing to worry about.  But in all honesty I just don't want it to be there! Just gives me one more thing to worry about.  I am just a worry wort.  I felt a little sick to my stomach this morning but nothing major.  The biggest thing is that I am EXTREMELY TIRED.  I have never been this tired.  On Saturday afternoon I restarted a program i had on the DVR eight times.  I could not keep my eyes open.  This has never happened to me before.  

I developed an allergy to the vivelle patches and my RE put me on estrace pills.  I asked if there was any difference in the effectiveness and I was told NONE.  Let's see Vivelle cost = $450.00 per month vs. $4 per month for the pills.  I am so mad.  I just hope he is getting a good dinner or some co-op advertising for writing so many vivelle scripts.  That is just BAD patient care and the lack of compassion for how much many we have to pay.  Of course, I said nothing because I believe in karma and am trying to keep my anger side in check.  I can have a short temper.  I do stick up for myself.  But I know when to pick my battles and at this point what would I have to gain?

The more IVF's you do the more you learn each time.  Well, it is Monday and I am so tired.  Just want to go home and watch Gossip Girl and chill.  

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER BETA

Well my beta today at 17dp5dt is 4009!!  Still in disbelief.  Every time I get near the computer I am looking for information on Betas.  Specifically if i can decipher if my numbers mean a singleton or twins.  And what I have been able to figure out is that my numbers are on the high side for a singleton but that Betas along are not definitive.  Although I want to know in the worse way if it is one or two.  I will know for sure in 11 days.  I am like a kid counting down the days till Christmas morning.

Yes I am getting a bit more excited and used to the idea this is for real.  Please Lord don't take this away from me.  I have waited a life time and my time is running out.

On another note, it has been raining here so much and I hate that it is getting dark so early.  So depressing that it is dark when I go home.  On a good note, DH and I started a kitchen remodel in February and it is finally finished.  My goal was before Thanksgiving and I am glad it is completed.

Pg symptoms are still slight pressure but mostly on the left side very low.  Sometimes it feels like a slight throb.  Last night I had some crazy dream which is not normal for me.  I never dream. Dh says I dream but just don't remember them.

I cannot wait till the day I can tell my family I am pregnant.  Still too scared at this point in the game.  But it will be fun to tell everyone as they look back at me probably in amazement or horror.  Who knows but I am sure they will wonder how this 45 year old was finally able to get pg?  I will offer limited information.  The how is not so important but the result of the how is everything.

Tick tock, tick tock

And time is going by so slowly.  The 2ww is grueling for most but now having passed that hurdle, I can only tell you it does not get any better.  Once you pass that hurdle then it's the first beta, then 2nd beta etc.  It gets no better.  Actually I am more anxious now than ever because i am so afraid to be happy.   I am just waiting for the bubble to burst and my life will come tumbling down around me.  Why in the f**k can't I just be happy?

I think I am a victim of reading too many blogs.  I can find just as many blogs that tell me from this point everything will be easy peasy from here.  And then I read 10 blogs in a row that at the first US everything goes south.  WTF??  I keep wondering what are the odds everything will be okay vs. fertilihell again.  I am driving myself crazy.  I think I am having a panic attack as I write.

I just wonder when I will believe I might actually be pregnant and be comfortable with telling anyone?  Dh and I have kept the circle tight I suppose to protect ourselves if all goes wrong once again.  I am grateful to have made it this far but I want the golden egg.  Don't we all.

Thanks for listening to the inner thoughts of a crazy ladies true feelings.  Up one moment and down the next.  I know you know what I mean.  It must be the PIO and Vivelle patches.  Can't a girl blame it on the drugs?

1 day, 10 hours, 2 minutes, 23 seconds till Beta #3.  Are you still in there?  I sure hope so.

BETA #2

Well folks, Beta was 1245 today.  I am still in disbelief but happy.  I am doing one more beta on Thursday and today I scheduled my first ultrasound for October 28th.  That two weeks for me will be harder than the two week wait.  I breezed through that.

I am such a sceptic that until I see a baby on the US and hear a heartbeat I won't fully believe it until then.  I know so many things can happen but I am trying to stay positive.  Pinch me...is this my life or am I still reading someone elses blog?

I am extremely happy. ;-)

POAS....again

Yep I know but I am insane and just had to do it.  Why you ask?  Because I have in my entire 45 years of life never got a definite line on a pee stick.  Just that faint line earlier last week.  And as much as I was happy to see that faint line we all know it leaves question in ones mind.  So yesterday I did it and I finally got that beautifully dark definitive line that we all long to see.....finally.

So today went in for Beta #2.  So hoping things continue in the positive direction I am on.  For once I actually have hope.  Cautious hope but I will take it.  I am waiting for the call so I will post as soon as I hear.

BACK IN THE GAME

Well, I have been absent for a long time but I am back! Dh and I have been waiting patiently for the "right" donor for me. Two the doc turned down for various reasons and one I turned down. Then came the super donor who had cycled with three previous recipients at my clinic. On all three previous of her cycles she responded the same. Lots of good quality eggs with some in the freezer for all. Two transferred and all resulted in twin implantations. One set of twins delivered, one singleton delivery, and the other miscarried but had a long history of this.

So on to me. On 9/23/2009 my donor gave us 21 eggs. Of those, 16 were ICSI and of those 13 fertilized. On day 5 we still had 11. Of those we transferred two. One grade AA emerging blast and on BA blast. The AA blast my RE called Michael Jordan. On day 6 they froze two of the remaining. My clinic is very picky but there success rates I cannot argue with. Sure I would have loved to freeze them all, but they know what they are doing. I trust in that.

My first Beta was on 10/09/2009(11dp5dt) and it was a 319! I certainly can say I did POAS with mixed results. What was I thinking? For a baseline on 6dp5dt negative, 8dp5dt faint blue line and on 10dp5dt negative. I would love to hear from others what your readings were on your Betas.

I know alot can happen, but at this moment I am basking in the glory that in this moment I am pregnant. 2nd Beta will be on Monday and I am hoping for more good results.

Stay tuned.................

MENTAL HEALTH

So, I have not posted in a while and I apologize for that. We are now on the list for Donor Egg since December and are now up to #50 on the list! I expect we may get a call later in the year and I am ok with that. Since Christmas, M and I have been on a lifestyle change as we both needed to lose a good amount of weight. I have lost 17 lbs and M 22 lbs. M has been so great and shops 3 to 4 times per week and prepares wonderful healthy meals with lots of fresh fish and veggies. I could get used to this. We go the the gym 6 days a week on our new protocall and I admit it has become something I look forward to because it makes me feel better. Any weight I can lose now will only be better for me when that call comes in for DE!

Next wednesday, we go to our mandatory psych visit. This is required for all donor egg recipients. Guess they need to make sure we are stable and can handle this Life Choice. I admit at first it wasn't easy to wrap my head around the idea. I am ready, M is ready and when the time comes I just hope it works. I don't miss the disappointment of a failed cycle and the rollercoaster ride of a BFN.

Spring is arriving, the birds are nesting and I saw the prettiest momma cardinal with the biggest belly yesterday! I look forward to seeing my big belly some day with my little one nesting inside me.

I promise I won't stay away so long next time.