Congratulations!

Went to first OB appointment.  CONGRATULATIONS!  It is of course nice to hear.  But I must have heard it 25 times.  Ten of those from the same person.  Come on people one time per person is enough.  I have a BIG bag of information, pamphlets and a book to read.  Who knew there was so much information I needed to know?  What not to eat, what excercise to do and not do etc etc.

Does it really matter that I spent 5k on every blood test known to man just 3 short months ago?  Lets repeat them all again, just because it's included in "The Package". Whatever, I just hate the healthcare churn and burn.  I work in healthcare I see it first hand.  That is why our healthcare is in this state of disrepair. Don't get me started.

So, I will be seen every 4 weeks for a while.  Decided to do the Ultra Screen which screens for potential birth defects.  I have had constant nausea for two weeks and yesterday started zofran which is a life saver.  I actually feel somewhat normal again.

So off for the rest of the week to a wonderful spa in the North Carolina mountains for some much needed rest and relaxation.  Dh and I take this trip every year and we always have such a good time.

Fall BACK

I never look forward to the time change.  Gets dark so early and is extremely depressing for me.  All is going well with the little one and me.  Last Wednesday I had my last appointment with my RE.  The hematoma was getting smaller and we had a heartbeat of 139!!  They handed me a goody bag of cool stuff from free belly bands to a cute onsie that said "Made in Charlotte".  I really wasn't expecting to get the brush off so quickly but I suppose it was time.

My last shot of PIO is tomorrow and that will truly be a day of celebration.  After 6 weeks my butt is sore and wants its life back.  My first OB appointment is November 9th and I am very excited to go to this appointment.  In a way it is the true beginning of real life normal appointments like most pregnant women have.  He has been with me now for 19 years. We are like old pals.  Just glad he hasn't retired before I finally get to use his OB skills.

We traveled out of town last weekend to be able to share our news in person.  Some took it with "shock and awe" and others jumped with joy.  It is fun to see peoples expressions.  I told my partner at the office and he literally went white and almost fainted.  He is like my brother and was extremely happy for me after the initial shock wore off.  I guess at the ripe old age of 45 people really just thought my time had passed.  Of interest you might want to know is that not one person questioned how this baby came to be conceived.  They either did not ask or just assumed it was the old fashioned way.

So much to think about that I really can't seem to think about anything.  Would really just like to be in Little Cayman and 100 feet under.  Don't know if I mentioned it before, I am a Master Diver and I am very passionate about it.  Diving is not something on the list for a woman with a little one in her belly.  It has beeb done  but we really don't know the risks and i am not going to find out.

Red TIde

Well, good news the red tide ended just as quickly as it began.  I am still on bed rest per doctors orders which is not as easy as it sounds.  It is a beautiful autumn day out today and I would love to be outdoors. I am not enjoying the additional shot of pio each day.  I am running out of spots that aren't sore.

I really hope this does not happen again.  I love my DH and he loves me but I am just not a very good patient.  I hate being dependent on anyone and I realize this is a real character flaw I need to work on.

With all this extra time on my hands was surfing around and found that there was a registry for people who donate eggs and sperm to register so that children of said donors can find them and vice versa.  That on so many levels bothers me.  I had always planned to tell my child but now I am not so positive about this.  I thought Anonymous was Anonymous.  WTF????  It worries me.  Nothing like having extra time on your hands to find something that horrifies you.

MANDATORY BED REST!!

Last night was not a good night.  Around 8pm I started bleeding (candy apple red).  I freaked out because seeing that to me was  the equivelant to when I saw the Exorcist.  It scared me so much.  I immediately called the doc on call (who is the one I dislike) of course.  He says that most of the time it is nothing to worry about and for me to lay down and if it is still there tomorrow to call for an appointment.  He made a point on that and said NOT to walk in.  What an ass.  I am here freaking out thinking I could be losing my baby and he wants me to book an appointment?  Screw you asshole.  To say the least I did not get any sleep. Got up at 7am and my situation had not changed.  My clinic is about an hour away and I arrived today about 8:45am.  And my luck the doc on call last night is the same doc doing all the US this am.  Dr Aholes nurse told me he was too busy to see me and that he had told me to call.  My regular RE would be  in around 10am and I could wait.  Well my docs nurse called him at home and he came in for me.

Prognosis is very good.  On the US we saw the hematoma and the bleeding which is not near the baby.  He explained this can happen as the blood vessels swell some can break lose. He increased my PIO and added endometrin suppositories twice per day.  He said this should calm the uterus and help with the bleeding and mandated bed rest for 1 week!

Oh yeah, I did mention a baby didn't I?  Well the baby measured 6wks 0 days (right on the money) and it's little heartbeat was at 108 beats per minute.  It sounded so loud. The nurse said at this stage they are happy with anything over 90.   It was such a relief to see it and hear it.  It makes it a lot more real.  I got some pics.  I have scanned my little pea but not sure how to get it into the blog yet.  Prayers are welcome.  I am resting and trying to be a good girl to help my little pea grow.

CRAVINGS OR NOT??

I have cut back quite a lot on my favorite sin DIET COKE.  Yesterday when I tasted one it was repulsive and tasted awful.  Today all is well with the DC.  I have this little place 30 seconds from my office that i never go in because it has ice creams or what they call custard.  Custard being made with more fattening ingredients and just revoltingly sweet which i don't like.  I have been thinking about a custard all day long and when everyone left the office i slinked away under cover of darkness and purchased my drug of choice today.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I felt so guilty afterwards but the during was heavenly.  I feel sick to my stomach now and very disappointed with myself.  Well I guess all the milk might  be good for the baby???

Well tomorrow will be another battle.  All I think about is food that I would normally have the will power to say no to.  Dh doesn't help, just goes along with whatever I want.  Normally he would just say no and give a healthier alternative.  Desperately seeking help to avoid gaining too much weight.  Any suggestions?  I have battled my weight for a life time.  I had to lose 40 pounds just for my BMI to qualify for the Attain Shared Risk program.  My body is doing weird things that are foreign to me.

Just taking it one day at a time!

WAITING IS DIFFICULT

Just cannot believe that waiting on the ultrasound day (10/28/09) is the most difficult thing I have done so far.  I started spotting a little bit about 4 days ago.  Just the smallest amount of brown when i wipe.  Of course I know that is normal and nothing to worry about.  But in all honesty I just don't want it to be there! Just gives me one more thing to worry about.  I am just a worry wort.  I felt a little sick to my stomach this morning but nothing major.  The biggest thing is that I am EXTREMELY TIRED.  I have never been this tired.  On Saturday afternoon I restarted a program i had on the DVR eight times.  I could not keep my eyes open.  This has never happened to me before.  

I developed an allergy to the vivelle patches and my RE put me on estrace pills.  I asked if there was any difference in the effectiveness and I was told NONE.  Let's see Vivelle cost = $450.00 per month vs. $4 per month for the pills.  I am so mad.  I just hope he is getting a good dinner or some co-op advertising for writing so many vivelle scripts.  That is just BAD patient care and the lack of compassion for how much many we have to pay.  Of course, I said nothing because I believe in karma and am trying to keep my anger side in check.  I can have a short temper.  I do stick up for myself.  But I know when to pick my battles and at this point what would I have to gain?

The more IVF's you do the more you learn each time.  Well, it is Monday and I am so tired.  Just want to go home and watch Gossip Girl and chill.  

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER BETA

Well my beta today at 17dp5dt is 4009!!  Still in disbelief.  Every time I get near the computer I am looking for information on Betas.  Specifically if i can decipher if my numbers mean a singleton or twins.  And what I have been able to figure out is that my numbers are on the high side for a singleton but that Betas along are not definitive.  Although I want to know in the worse way if it is one or two.  I will know for sure in 11 days.  I am like a kid counting down the days till Christmas morning.

Yes I am getting a bit more excited and used to the idea this is for real.  Please Lord don't take this away from me.  I have waited a life time and my time is running out.

On another note, it has been raining here so much and I hate that it is getting dark so early.  So depressing that it is dark when I go home.  On a good note, DH and I started a kitchen remodel in February and it is finally finished.  My goal was before Thanksgiving and I am glad it is completed.

Pg symptoms are still slight pressure but mostly on the left side very low.  Sometimes it feels like a slight throb.  Last night I had some crazy dream which is not normal for me.  I never dream. Dh says I dream but just don't remember them.

I cannot wait till the day I can tell my family I am pregnant.  Still too scared at this point in the game.  But it will be fun to tell everyone as they look back at me probably in amazement or horror.  Who knows but I am sure they will wonder how this 45 year old was finally able to get pg?  I will offer limited information.  The how is not so important but the result of the how is everything.

Tick tock, tick tock

And time is going by so slowly.  The 2ww is grueling for most but now having passed that hurdle, I can only tell you it does not get any better.  Once you pass that hurdle then it's the first beta, then 2nd beta etc.  It gets no better.  Actually I am more anxious now than ever because i am so afraid to be happy.   I am just waiting for the bubble to burst and my life will come tumbling down around me.  Why in the f**k can't I just be happy?

I think I am a victim of reading too many blogs.  I can find just as many blogs that tell me from this point everything will be easy peasy from here.  And then I read 10 blogs in a row that at the first US everything goes south.  WTF??  I keep wondering what are the odds everything will be okay vs. fertilihell again.  I am driving myself crazy.  I think I am having a panic attack as I write.

I just wonder when I will believe I might actually be pregnant and be comfortable with telling anyone?  Dh and I have kept the circle tight I suppose to protect ourselves if all goes wrong once again.  I am grateful to have made it this far but I want the golden egg.  Don't we all.

Thanks for listening to the inner thoughts of a crazy ladies true feelings.  Up one moment and down the next.  I know you know what I mean.  It must be the PIO and Vivelle patches.  Can't a girl blame it on the drugs?

1 day, 10 hours, 2 minutes, 23 seconds till Beta #3.  Are you still in there?  I sure hope so.

BETA #2

Well folks, Beta was 1245 today.  I am still in disbelief but happy.  I am doing one more beta on Thursday and today I scheduled my first ultrasound for October 28th.  That two weeks for me will be harder than the two week wait.  I breezed through that.

I am such a sceptic that until I see a baby on the US and hear a heartbeat I won't fully believe it until then.  I know so many things can happen but I am trying to stay positive.  Pinch me...is this my life or am I still reading someone elses blog?

I am extremely happy. ;-)

POAS....again

Yep I know but I am insane and just had to do it.  Why you ask?  Because I have in my entire 45 years of life never got a definite line on a pee stick.  Just that faint line earlier last week.  And as much as I was happy to see that faint line we all know it leaves question in ones mind.  So yesterday I did it and I finally got that beautifully dark definitive line that we all long to see.....finally.

So today went in for Beta #2.  So hoping things continue in the positive direction I am on.  For once I actually have hope.  Cautious hope but I will take it.  I am waiting for the call so I will post as soon as I hear.

BACK IN THE GAME

Well, I have been absent for a long time but I am back! Dh and I have been waiting patiently for the "right" donor for me. Two the doc turned down for various reasons and one I turned down. Then came the super donor who had cycled with three previous recipients at my clinic. On all three previous of her cycles she responded the same. Lots of good quality eggs with some in the freezer for all. Two transferred and all resulted in twin implantations. One set of twins delivered, one singleton delivery, and the other miscarried but had a long history of this.

So on to me. On 9/23/2009 my donor gave us 21 eggs. Of those, 16 were ICSI and of those 13 fertilized. On day 5 we still had 11. Of those we transferred two. One grade AA emerging blast and on BA blast. The AA blast my RE called Michael Jordan. On day 6 they froze two of the remaining. My clinic is very picky but there success rates I cannot argue with. Sure I would have loved to freeze them all, but they know what they are doing. I trust in that.

My first Beta was on 10/09/2009(11dp5dt) and it was a 319! I certainly can say I did POAS with mixed results. What was I thinking? For a baseline on 6dp5dt negative, 8dp5dt faint blue line and on 10dp5dt negative. I would love to hear from others what your readings were on your Betas.

I know alot can happen, but at this moment I am basking in the glory that in this moment I am pregnant. 2nd Beta will be on Monday and I am hoping for more good results.

Stay tuned.................